How many stories have you heard where a conflict or disagreement turned into a full-on breakup?
Or a period of silence that rivaled the last Ice Age?
That’s not what you want in your relationship.
While conflicts and disagreements are often unavoidable – this is real life after all – there are ways you can handle them that actually strengthen your relationship.
Let’s get into the details:
Learn to Listen Without Waiting to Answer
Listening is vital to effective communication. When disagreements bubble up, it’s also one of the first things to go out the door.
When you’re in the heat of the moment, hit the Pause button if possible. I know. It’s not the easiest thing to do, but resist the urge to respond or interrupt.
You want your partner to feel truly seen and heard – just as you would want the same for yourself.
After a conflict or argument, going back to discuss it is equally important. But make sure you’re taking the time to listen.
Sometimes, what you heard isn’t what they said. Confirm if your understanding matches what they intended to share.
Avoid Criticism, Stonewalling, Defensiveness & Contempt
When emotions are high, you are less open to working through the problem. Keep in mind you want to avoid what’s called “the Four Horsemen” of relationships – criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, and contempt.
Criticism can look like using “you” and “never” type language.
Contempt can look like attacking their character and downplaying their circumstances.
Defensiveness looks like giving reasons for your behavior instead of acknowledging how your behavior, whether intentional or not, may have caused conflict or harm.
And stonewalling, which usually happens as a result of contempt, can look like shutting down, a lack of responsiveness, or even withdrawal.
In these situations, pause, recollect, and revisit the issue when you’re both calmer. These strategies will help strengthen your relationship post-conflict.
Set Boundaries
Connect with your partner to set boundaries around conflicts and disagreements.
Agree, for example, that no yelling or screaming will be tolerated.
Or that it’s okay (or not okay) to take space if things get too heated.
It might even be helpful to talk about the issue side-by-side while walking or doing another activity instead of face-to-face.
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Here at The Marriage Movement, we share these tips because a healthy marriage is the goal, not just a fabulous wedding. Let us help you do both. Book a consultation.