Here’s Why You Should
Knowing how you and your partner show up in your relationship will make it easier for you to communicate and enjoy a healthier union.
That’s where attachment styles come in.
Understanding your partner’s attachment style provides key insights into their thought and behavioral patterns.
Attachment styles often stem from early interactions in life, but they continue to show up in all sorts of relationships – whether professional, personal, or romantic.
Here’s what you need to know so you and your partner can feel more confident about your communication and meeting each other’s needs (where appropriate):
The 4 Attachment Styles
If you want to dive into attachment styles, a great resource is Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller.
But in case you need the tl; dr version, there are 4 different attachment styles:
Anxious/Preoccupied
Abandonment fears cause people with this attachment style to seek security, responsiveness, and attention from their partners. They are often anxious or preoccupied that their partner isn’t as in love or dedicated to the relationship as they are.
Avoidant/Dismissive
On the opposite end of the spectrum, people with this attachment style are often highly independent and tend to shy away from depending on others. They avoid emotional intimacy and withdraw if they think their partner is becoming too emotionally dependent on them.
Disorganized/Fearful-Avoidant
A combination of anxious and avoidant, those with this attachment style change how they show up depending on the situation and their feelings. They want intimacy but struggle to trust or depend on others.
Secure
Those with a secure attachment style are relatively balanced, know how to regulate their own emotions, and can even help their partner do the same without feeling anxious, preoccupied, or overly reliant (or the opposite) on others.
Why Attachment Styles Matter
If you lean more avoidant and dismissive, for example, but your partner is more anxious/preoccupied, you may notice certain push-and-pull dynamics that you weren’t previously aware of.
You may know now that your partner craves closeness because they deeply fear being abandoned and may need a bit more reassurance, and vice versa.
Now, that question, “Why is my partner doing this?” is less likely to disrupt your relationship.
While understanding the “why” behind behavioral patterns is important, you might be wondering what else you can do to manage differences in attachment styles. Keep reading!
How to Navigate Differences in Attachment Styles
The first step toward a healthier relationship is communication. Take an attachment style quiz and discuss the results with your partner.
If some of the issues are deeper, consider connecting with us here at The Marriage Movement.
You see, premarital counseling can help you reconcile the differences between you and your partner’s needs. However, it won’t help you learn why your attachment style is the way that it is.
That starts with inner work.
Consider consulting with a therapist to better understand the ins and outs of your attachment style.
Not quite ready for that step? Begin the inner work to understand your attachment style and your partner’s by asking yourself the questions tucked inside my book, The Top 8 Questions Every Woman Should Ask Herself Before Saying “I Do.” You’ll gain valuable insights into who you are and how you show up in relationships.
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Your journey to a better relationship and marriage starts right here with The Top 8 Questions Every Woman Should Ask Herself Before Saying “I Do”.