You’ll often hear that relationships are difficult, but it can be hard to fathom exactly what that looks like if you’re in the honeymoon phase and still rocking those rose-colored glasses.
But what about when things cool off or you’re feeling a little blah in the bedroom?
Chances are, you’re likely in a rut when it comes to your emotional or intimacy needs.
For example, maybe you and your partner aren’t spending as much time together, so you’re feeling a lack of connection. Or, you’re not speaking each other’s love language with the same frequency and depth as you did before.
Intimacy issues are also common, although not often openly discussed. Many couples who have been together for a long time often find that intimacy can become less exciting and more routine.
So, how can you deepen your connection and ensure that you’re both satisfied? Here are 3 tips to help you and your partner break out of an emotional or intimate rut and rekindle the spark in your relationship:
Recognize & Stay Open
The first step to fixing any issues is to accept that there is one. If you’re feeling like you’re in a rut, recognize it, but don’t keep it to yourself.
You’ll want to bring this to your partner’s attention, but be mindful of how you communicate the message.
Try focusing on your own feelings, using “I” sentences, and language like, “I noticed that recently we haven’t been …”
By communicating in this way, you create an open space for you and your partner to discuss your concerns.
Whatever you do, understand that a relationship is a 2-way street and blaming your partner for what is or isn’t going on will not improve the situation or help you reach your desired goal.
Don’t Play the Blame Game
It’s easy to go into “me vs. you” mode when you feel like your emotional and/or intimate needs aren’t being met.
It’s easy to play the blame game and shift all the responsibility for the issue onto your partner.
But the reality is, ruts often stem from a lack of communication.
Reframe your unmet need as something outside of your relationship – meaning it’s you AND your partner working together to find a solution.
This way, you’re not hoping or forcing your partner to meet your needs. Instead, you’re teaming up to tackle the issue together.
Brainstorm Potential Solutions
First, identify what external factors may be having an impact. This might include a heavier workload, health problems, or issues with family or friends.
Second, brainstorm possible solutions together. What ways can you step up and meet your needs for yourself? What ways can you perhaps be spicier, more supportive, more present, more communicative? What would you like to see from your partner?
Ultimately, this is a dialogue where some compromise will likely need to occur. And it’s not a one-time conversation, either.
Once you’ve had a chance to try different tactics, check in with your partner to see what’s working and make adjustments as needed.
Developing the tools to overcome roadblocks in your relationship will pave the way for a happier, healthier marriage.
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