Does Sex Really Need to Go Downhill After Marriage?
If I had a nickel for every time someone told me this, I would be rich by now…
“Once you get married, the sex goes downhill. After you have children, you can forget about it.”
I used to think this was something people who’ve been married for years would say as an excuse for why they were experiencing a lack of intimacy in their marriage. When I experienced it in my own marriage, I realized that sex after a baby can be pretty rough.
When we became husband and wife, we were like bunny rabbits. We couldn’t get enough of each other and made a pact that this “momentum” we had wasn’t going to slow down.
Then my daughter happened….
When my daughter was born, the dynamics of our sex life changed, DRASTICALLY. My husband would say our daughter has some sort of sensor on her that lets her know when we’re trying to have alone-time! The moment we would initiate foreplay, she would immediately start crying. After a few tries of putting her back to sleep, I realized I had no other choice but to ask for a rain check.
We juggled it for a while, learning to work around her sleep schedule.
Even though “planned sex” wasn’t as exciting as spontaneous sex, we were making it work.
Then my daughter got older….
As she got older, we made the assumption it would be easier for us to sneak off and get a “quickie” while she was napping or watching her favorite movie. We were so wrong!
Now that she was in school, she was more alert and verbal. Her cries for mom turned into yells, “Mommy!”
She was a lot clingier at that time and never wanted us out of her sight. From playing games and watching movies, to cooking meals and reading bedtime stories, there was always a need and the time we had to “do us” was far and few between.
Something had to change…
After going from having sex on a regular basis, to periodically, to not at all, it began to weigh heavy on our marriage. Sex and intimacy in a marriage is very important. So we knew something had to change and we had to get creative, fast!
Here’s what we tried to be more sexually intimate…
- Keep kids on a schedule
From the very beginning, you should create a routine or schedule for your children. Putting your children to bed every night at a certain time ensures that you and your spouse can have some quality time alone. If they have set times where they’re occupied, you and your spouse can have uninterrupted time together, even if it’s for 30 minutes. - Ask for help.
“It takes a village!” Reach out to your support system and ask for help. Contact your parents, friends and family members for help in babysitting. I know several moms who have formed babysitting groups, and each parent switches off every week and weekend. These groups are helpful as both parents know the importance of alone-time and date nights.
- Have a lunch-break quickie.
Find creative ways to see each other. My husband and I would often meet up for lunch during the workweek just to get “up close and personal” with one another. - Get Creative with Foreplay.
Foreplay is one of the best parts of sex and intimacy with your spouse. You don’t have to be in a closed room or completely naked to get a little foreplay-action going. Try things like sending sexy text messages, taking sexy photos, playing footsie, or a quick grab and rub session when the kid’s heads are turned… whatever you have to do to let your spouse know you want them. - Play hooky.
My favorite would be to play hooky from work. Call off for the day and just spend time hugged up with your boo.
I love my daughter and wouldn’t trade her for the world, but when it comes to sex after baby, she was a serious “blocker”.
Since sex and intimacy mattered so much to my husband and I, we knew we had to come up with creative ways to find time for each other on a regular basis. Even though we’re not as frequent as we were in the first few years of our marriage, we have certainly learned to overcome these obstacles and get our groove on a LOT more.
What do you do to keep the sex going strong in your marriage?